About the boy, the continuing story

Pretending to be a bus.

 I should have written this post much earlier. It’s the foreign language that’s holding me back, but I don’t want to postpone any more. So for those of you who know I’m running a Dutch Son-Rise program for Pelle, here’s an update. How’s our boy doing? Fantastic!
It's almost 2 years since I started playing in his sleeping room and boy, has he been blossoming ever since. We now have a team of 2 players and I hope to contract another one (a 20-years old boy) very soon. Pelle’s still in school, as the summerholidays run very late this year, but I already know he’s moving to the 4^th grade, along with his classmates. (Here in the Netherlands you start with 1^st grade when you are 4, and he will become 7 in July). He still has aid in school by a remedial teacher but also by a lovely little girl who sits next to him and helps him to get organized etc. He learned to read this year and to write, although his handwriting is still very wonky. But what’s more important for me is that he’s able to function in a class, with some adjustments, and hearing his teacher say she is so very proud of his achievements.
What’s also wonderful is that he is finally drawing. We set this as a goal, almost a year ago. And look what he did 2 weeks ago!

A drawing with little fish, a churchtower, a house, a mill, a car,
the sun & Pelle and 'vormen' (= shapes) in the corner.

In comparison, here's a drawing he made in Oktober. The assignment (at school) was: make a phantasy animal.

At this moment, our other goals are: learning to play together, learning role-play and learning to play alone. We now play things like memory and simple board games. And today for instance he said to me: ‘Now I’m a spitting fire like a dragon, mum” “It’s pretend” he reassured me and there he went, hissing away.

(For those of you who are more familiar with the details of Son-Rise, we also work on eye contact & non-verbal communication, verbal communication, interactive attention span and flexibility, but more implicit. I estimate him at being at stage 4 at most of the topics, with some exceptions you’ll read about below). 

The children in his class like him, as he is very sweet and cheery, but he hardly plays with other children and has no friends, yet. (He was invited for 2 birthday parties this year, though). So this month, we’ve been starting to introduce play-dates. I invite children to our home and play with both of them. After a while, I hold back and let them play together. What I see, is a boy who interacts very good when it comes to verbal communication, but who has to learn how to play. At this point, he’s simply lacking experience and skills like more advanced role play. He still has little imagination. But the children enjoy each others company and there are enough things Pelle can do like making a puzzle together or a little competition on the bike (Who will arrive first at the finish?) And as he has learned SO much these last years, I’m confident he will grow in this aspect, too. He sure likes children. He loves it when Mark and I read stories about toddlers and he likes watching programs for toddlers on TV. So mentally he’s still a bit young, for liking this when almost 7, but he laughs, while watching, and what a great marker that is for empathy.

So is he still autistic? By now, that word has lost most of its meaning to me. Sure my boy is not average, if there ever is such a child. He flaps with his hands, talks a lot, makes strange noises, talks a lot, wants to go to the church over and over again to see the doors and interior, wants to go to the mill over and over again, wants to go by the bus and the train every day if only this was possible,
talks A LOT ; - ) and wants our attention every minute of the day. (Hence our goal of playing alone, which is very hard for him but his efforts are also heartwarming). He’s unique and I love him SO MUCH. And I’m SO VERY VERY HAPPY he came into our live, I can hardly express it. So we go on, the both of us. Blossoming away.

Expressing yourself.

Pelle has grown a lot in his facial expressions, during the last two years. He loves it when we take photos of him and we use that motivation to practice. Every once and a while the players and I take pictures of his face, when it suits the flow of the play we’re in.
Yesterday I told him about an incident where he was angry because I didn’t understand him. I mimicked his face and encouraged him to do the same. I hurried down to get the camera and made this still.

 I think it looks more pleading. Maybe because he was still  joyful inside when he acted out.

"And now I'm doing happy", he announced. Oh boy. love you so much!

A tiny piece of our program.

As Pelle is autistic, we run a program at our home based on the principles of Son-Rise, but with a little Dutch twist to it. I play as much as I can with Pelle, about two times a week. Every Tuesday Lila comes over and every Friday there’s Tamara to play with Pelle. We have a great team together. As Pelle loves to go outside, we also play in the woods around our home and in places like his schoolyard since he’s able to keep connected there.
Our goals at the moment are to entice him in imaginative play, encourage him to play together and to stimulate him to draw.
Here are some examples of how we do that.
Pelle loves to play with a little electronic game where you match cards.



If you place a card on the one hand side of the toy, the little elephant asks you a question and you have to place the right card on the other side. ‘This is mister green. What vehicle does mister green drive?’, and you’re supposed to find the green truck. Pelle has since long learned how to match the cards, but the thing that keeps him going back to the game are the funny noises he loves. And especially when you misplace the food items. The little elephant says ‘Bah!” (= ‘yuck’) and this is so very funny, Pelle laughs wholeheartedly. So when he played the game the other day Tamara made a creative turn. She asked Pelle to imitate the characters. And there he went, pretending to walk with a stick (mister blue), to wet the plants (mister green), to walk behind a pram (mister pink) Tamara acted out as the female counterpart of the cards. They had lots of fun and thus realized one of the goals (pretend play).

When Lila and Pelle went out to the woods a few month ago they started by taking the same course every time. Pelle did not want Lila to walk ahead and that was just fine. Lila followed Pelle’s steps and it developed into a game where they each do their funny walks while the other person tries to imitate it. More and more, Pelle is giving away his control and last time they took turns deciding which path to take and strolled around the entire forest. It was the result of Lila asking if she could choose and step-by-step, Pelle gave in. (He started by allowing her to take 5 steps in front of him). It’s about being patient and persisted, but also about being totally at ease with the situation as it is. There is no pressure whatsoever.
In the woods, Lila also sometimes pretends to be a classmate who for instance can’t cross the puddle and needs help (Pelle offered his hand) and they practice waving and other social behaviors.

And what do I do? Last week, he said to me: “I want to do something scary”. So I blindfolded him and gave him tasks like “walk to the music box”, which stands in a corner of our room. And we did some wrestling, too. Tried to push each other of the couch (I said it was a boot and the floor was the sea, to give it an extra dimension, but Pelle didn’t react to that), I ‘imprisoned’ him behind the couch where he escaped and we chased each other. The interaction was so organic. Miles away from the way we started, with a bus on the floor of his room and hundreds of questions about the way the doors would open and shut. And that was only one-and-a-half year ago. If I think of the progress he’s made since then, I’m filed with gratitude and admiration for this boy who puts his trust in us and who dares so much.

About presents and playing

Pelle dressed as little black Pete with gran.

Last Monday we celebrated Sinterklaas and it was cozy. My mother came, my mother-in-law and an aunt of Mark. So here we were: 4 woman, 1 man and a child sitting together, unwrapping presents and reading rhymes. Afterwards we had diner together, to top it of. It was an old-fashion family experience and it felt good.

It used to be hard to select presents for Pelle, because he hardly played with toys, except for cars, trains and busses. I think the biggest challenge for him and us is not communication. We always had good eye-contact and although he learned to speak a little late, it came reasonably fluently. I even think Pelle has a natural feeling for language. Since he learned to speak he asked a lot of questions and was very repetitious. He could ask “Is the door of the mill open or closed?” twenty or even forty times a day. As I, thanks to Son-Rise, though he needed this in some way I could deal with it and take his questions seriously. And it has faded away; we now really, truly have interactive communication. He has opened up.
He’s now at school learning to read and he loves it. I’m glad. Finally, there’s an aria in which he can come along with his classmates and I think that’s very good for his self-esteem.
But playing with his classmates is still something he’s not able to do, yet.
This last year, in our Dutch equivalent of the SonRise-program the players and I focused on enticing him to do pretend-play. We played roles, introduced puppets, imitated animals and did all kinds of other things. I also read a lot of books to him. And now our efforts are paying of. He’s starting to fantasize! In a small way, like a Sinterklaaspuppet he placed in a hoop and saying: “Sinterklaas is imprisoned now” and in a larger way: last week he was pretending there was a lion in the bookstore who wanted to eat us. We escaped on our bike and the lion was hit by a car. But then someone kissed him alive again (the echo of the tale of Snow-white I read him) and we had to escape again by climbing up the largest tower in the land. I was elated and think this growing ability will help him to interact with children more easily.
I also recon next year will be fun to give him toys, because they will speak to him much more.
For now, he had some books, a puzzle to make into a highway, a game with cards where he has to imitate actions and animals and this bag I made him. The fabric says: "Be A Hero" and I ordered it long ago at Spoonflower, I think. As you can see he already used it, because it's stained and will go in the laundry now.




When he’s older, I enlarge the straps. Now the corners curl up, but otherwise the bag would hang on his bum, and I don’t like that. So there’s room to grow for my hero!

About a boy in the States.

When I started blogging, I had no idea what a wonderful spin-off it would bring me. At the time I was so worried about Pelle and I felt so sad. And than Maria, whom I met because of the wonderful T-shirts she made sent me an e-mail. She found out that her son was autistic and in the same dark weekend upon realizing this, she found a wonderful treatment. I might be interested. And I sure was. It was the turning point for me. There was a way I could encourage Pelle to grow. No limitations, but opportunities. No gloom, but hope. Oh, how I needed hope at that moment. So I started by playing in Pelle’s bedroom and now we have a program running at our home and my boy is thriving.
I will always be thankful for Maria’s e-mail. She made a fabulous video about her son, Joaquin, and their journey with Son-Rise. Look, listen to the wonderful music and enjoy.

Joaquin's Adventure Part 2 from mafemaria on Vimeo.

Picking up the thread again

Hello everyone,



Since I’ve started writing in Dutch so much I’ve neglected this blog way to much. The Duch blog is all about Pelle and the program we’ve set up for him. My aim is to make SonRise more familiar in Holland.
Now the intensity of creating the program is wearing of there’s more place here for my sewing and the world outside me being the parent of a special boy. I’m intending to post one blogmessage here every Thursday, in line with the way I started. Talking about my everyday life and the things I create.
But I feel I have to start with an update about my boy. He is learning to read and starting to do sums. Here in Holland, you start school when you’re 4 years old, in group 1. Now Pelle’s attending group 3 already. Academically, he’s doing fine, but he has a hard time concentrating and writing, since his attention span and fine motor skills are still not that advanced, yet. He also does not engage much with the other children in his class. But I’m optimistic, very optimistic. Because he is responding to the SonRise program so well. I play twice a week with him upstairs and every Tuesday there’s a wonderful woman called Lila who comes over. She has lots of experience with autistic children and was drawn to the philosophy of unconditional love when she read the book about Raun Kaufman. She’s also a Buddhist, like Mark, my husband. I think the Buddhist lifestyle and the concept of loving your child no matter what go very well together. Every Friday Tamara is coming over. She helped out with the toddlers at school last year and has finished her education. They do a lot of crafting together and unlike last year, Pelle is enjoying it very much. We’re now enticing him to draw and after a lot of scribbles and spirals there are forms arising on paper. You can see them on the pictures I made. I love, love, love it. Our other goals at the moment are to stimulate him to do pretend play and to play a simple board game. And he’s really growing it those arias.


plane


train (Since he also likes automobiles I guess he will love the movie when he's older).

But the biggest changes since we started are his communication skills. I can talk with him just like a boy his age. I can reason with him. We understand each other. And we have so much fun.



This was recorded during the hollidays, 2 weeks ago. He's doing silly walks. At the end he's saying "And now the small film has ended. Can I have a look?".

I’m so proud of him. About the way he stretches his world. It is so apparent when I see him in the pool. Every week he has swimming lessons and every week he dares just a bit more. He jumps in and puts his face in the water now. He can float on his back without support. Every week he does just a bit more of the things he that scared him in the beginning.
I see him grow before my eyes. And what happens physically also happens mentally. He takes his own steps and every time he is going a bit further. I love him so much for this bravery. And for his sweetness and innocence. For the way he is. And I am so thankful of finding a way to stimulate and motivate him to explore his world. Which has become our world. There’s no autistic separation there, anymore. And that is a great, great gift.

Playing with my boy

Sorry for not writing so long. I’m busy playing with Pelle, organizing the program and doing promotion work for the Dutch foundation who introduced Son-Rise here in Holland. And I’m still volunteering for the Rent-a-Toy organization in our village and doing a lot for Pelle’s school (organizing a fund-raise for children in Africa, serving drinks tomorrow when they have their sports day etc.). I’m busy and happy.
If you want to see me play with Pelle, take a look at my Dutch blog, here. Mark recorded the start of our session, last Friday. Of course there’s a lot of talking going on in Dutch, but maybe you’d like to see our dynamics. Pelle starts by singing songs from a little booklet and asks me several times what the next song is. As I’m not allowed to sing, I show it to him (the song about a paper hat). You can also see me very briefly talking to Mark, who discovers that we only have 5 minutes of tape left in our Handycam. I tell him that that’s probably enough.

I had to cut the recordings in 3 pieces, because I’m not able to upload more than 100 MB on Blogger, but it’s all from one take. The next two pieces are here and here and you can see us while Pelle takes an attention in his mill and I tease him a bit while blowing and touching the ‘wieken’ (don’t know the English word). Next we play with his wooden blocks until he starts talking about swimming lessons and not daring to jump into the water. I contradict him by telling him he did just fine, the other day and showing him the jump he made.
We then start pretending we’re in the swimming pool, but unfortunately, that’s not on film.

I try to make as many eye-contact as I can, inviting him to look at me verbal (by asking) and non-verbal. I also try to express myself in a fun way. You can see how he reacts.
Our goals for the moment are to learn him how to do pretend-play and role-play and to invite him to draw (no example there). And to stimulate him to physically cross his arms, because he needs that to learn to write, next year.

If you like to see how he has progressed, I’d invite you to look at this film, which was shut in August last year. There’s so much more contact, flexibility and sharing now. And there still is so much fun. I love doing this and being with him.

Pelle is doing just fine

In front of the mirror.

Finally, I am writing this post about Pelle and his progress. Sorry it took so long. There are a couple of reasons for that, one of which is that I started to write in Dutch about the SonRise program. And I love doing that. I have a mission, being to popularize the Dutch version of SonRise. But I also feel like a true writer, who loves making little stories of each post. But it takes time. And as the program itself is growing it also takes more time to organize. We now have two people coming over every week, Christa and Lila. Christa is a student doing part of her apprenticeship here at our home and Lila I’ve hired myself. I give them feedback, raise funds to pay for Lila, talk to school about SonRise and what we do at home (they are very interested, because Pelle’s progressing so much) and next week we have our first meeting with everyone who is involved. Sometimes it feels like I have another career, similar to what I’ve done as a teacher and trainer, but also as a manager. And it’s benefiting Pelle so well.
Our goals for this moment are to learn him how to play. And it’s paying of very well. He is now able to do some pretend play, role-playing and a little game. We played a bit of memory the other day (16 cards), and that was a first. He’s stretching his imagination. He has a new pet, a tiger, which I once bought years ago and was totally neglected until a few weeks ago. They now sleep together and Pelle’s starting to fantasize about Tiger being ill and having a fever. He’s starting to interact with his classmates. He’s starting to read and taking up his interest in books again. He’s not asking the same questions over and over again anymore but in stead is being more active with his trains, Loco (a game used at school to stimulate cognitive development), puzzles and skeelers. He’s not a normal 5-years old, and maybe he never will be normal. I really don’t mind. He’s my very special kid. And he’s able to learn so much. I’m so proud of him.

Being a kind of toad-stool

We had a wonderful playroom session today. I bought some face paint, a couple of weeks ago, after Pelle saw one of his teachers dressed up like a toadstool, her face red with white spots.
Pelle was deeply impressed and wanted to look like her, too. Being busy painting each others face looked a great way to me to start studying our faces more carefully. Important for Pelle, who has a rather flat expression and might have trouble reading what other people say nonverbally.
Today we were going to visit gran, who has a broken ankle and needed some groceries. Before that, I wanted to play with Pelle in his playroom. Where he said he would like to use the facepaint again. As you can see, he did a great job turning me into ….. something red. It felt so good watching him carefully stroking my face with a brush, and being concentrated for so long. He even talked to my nose. But then the best part had yet to come. After taken pictures he said to me: “Mum, do you know why I painted you? Because I think gran would find it funny”. So here you saw me, later in the day, biking to gran with my red mask on, happy as can be. Because my boy contributed a feeling to my mum. A spark of empathy. He lit a fire of joy in me.

A new blog

If you're Dutch, and interested in me playing with Pelle I invite you to come over to my new blog, Spelen met Pelle. I'm starting it because I want to eleborate more on our activities and share my enthousiasm for raising Pelle this special way. I hope I can inspire other parents.

I will stay active on this blog, with my creations and also about Pelle's development, village life and everything I love to share.

And I want to thank you for reading my posts. It really means a lot to me.

Dancing into the world.

I am so optimistic about Pelle’s development. I really think he can outgrow his difficulties. Two amazing things happened last week.
Friday, we had a classmate coming over to play. Pelle wanted to show him his favorite film on YouTube, which is about a mill. At first I was a bit hesitant. Because I have this conviction that watching television or sitting behind the computer screen is not good for the development of a child. Children should play, not watch.
But in this whole process of raising my special boy, I have to learn some things. Like letting go off some rigid aspects of my belief system. Because watching this film was not at all about being passive and just absorbing what’s presented to you. For Pelle, it proved to be an excellent way to start communicating with the other boy, asking questions and responding to answers. As I was in the kitchen doing the dishes I overheard them, and was very pleased, because this was really a first, talking so long to another boy. So he has this motivation to talk and share, and when there’s already a common ground (the movie) it’s easier for him to interact.
Yesterday, there was another prove that I need to revise my convictions about watching telly. In stead of killing his imagination, it helps him to elevate it.
Pelle set up a little tent in our living room. Until now, just clicking the poles together and raising the fabric was the fun he had. He could not do anything else with it. But yesterday, he pretended to be a miller, and acted out what he saw in the film. He even stretched his imagination by wanting to close the door to read a newspaper inside. “What does it say in the paper?’, I asked. After some time he replied “It’s about Sinterklaas”. And on he went, opening and closing the door, being busy in the mill and wanting Mark to look at a pretend window. I was thrilled.
It looks like every new skill or development pairs with a relapse into more repetitive behavior. Like he needs to hang on more to familiar grounds while exploring others. I see it as his way to dance in this world. I’m learning to read his performance.

Scenes from the playroom

I wanted to write about our Sonrise approach much earlier, because I want to share my experiences. But it had to wait until now, because only now I feel things are really shaping up.
Here’s a bit of our reality at this moment.
You can see us playing in Pelles bedroom almost every day, for half an hour or longer, until he wants to go downstairs (and after I tried to tease him into one more game).
I started low profile (after initially putting far too much pressure on the whole process), not every day, just as long as Pelle wanted it. But now we’re both much more accustomed to the new routine in our lives and we can delve in deeper. So the hours spend playing are longer and I’m planning to do it every day, except for Saturdays, because I now see so much benefits from this joyful way of being together.
Pelle is not a typical autistic kid in the sense that he lives in his own world. He will talk to you if you’re an adult and wants to connect with you by sharing his interests. He talks really well and sees you in the eye. People call him sweet, and he really is. He’s always joyful and smiling. But he does not play with other children or has many interactions with them. (He’s doing fine at school, his classmates just take him the way he is and I’m very grateful for that.).
My main goal is to learn him how to play and love it. To let him feel the fun and explore his possibilities. Learn him more skills, so he will be able to play with other children some day.
At the moment I’m practicing pretend play with him. Since he likes to be chased, I’m a policeman, wanting to lock him up, or a lion, wanting to eat him. Or I play with a puppet who wants to climb the towers he loves to build, or an old lady who opens the door when he comes to sing for SintMaarten (a Dutch feast on Thursday where the children walk with their lanterns and collect candy). Since I also would love to see him to play a game with cards (like memory) we do funny things with them. The apples, pears and other images on the game from the hungry caterpillar are devoured by us. Afterwards, we’re having a little belly ache.
So here we are, both learning. For me it's about setting goals and working with them while I tune into his world. I’m coming to grips with it more and more and it feels like I can now reap what I sowed the last couple of months. I can take our play one step further and introduce new elements.
I’m dreaming about dressing up and more elaborate role-play. Of him being really concentrated for a long time. Those days will come. Because one of the things I discovered is that my boy is a fast learner. I often have the feeling that I only have to touch his inner abilities and they are growing. Sometimes it feels like magic.
And I’m not the only wizard in our house. Every Friday, Christa comes to play with him. She’s an apprentice from a college nearby and is learning to become a player. It was lovely to see him curled up into her arms as they were reading a book, the other day. I’m so pleased she’s here to help us. I’m going to search for one more player, so Pelle has another different input. The fun has only just begun.

I leave you with two scenes from the diningtable. He's demonstating his foldingskills.

Another milestone

This is what we did yesterday. Coloring. A first. Of course Pelle does a lot of painting and coloring at school, but until now, he didn’t do this at home. But recently, he likes to do a thing we call “prikken”. It’s something I don’t know the English word for, but you can see it on the picture, where he’s making holes in the carton, using a sharp pen.



He’s really good at it, pinching hole after hole and being focused.
Since the images are white, I suggested coloring them, yesterday. So there we were, on the bench, working together. It’s still a bit hard for him, because of his grip (using his fists more often than his fingers) but I was so glad, suggesting colours and doing the parts he didn’t want to do. A real co-production!

It’s just an example of the huge changes he is going through. Becoming far more active. Doing things in stead of talking all the time and asking the same questions over and over again. He almost lost that repetitious behavior. And if he does come up with his favorite topics I really concentrate and sincerely answer him, knowing he needs it to digest his imput.

Here you can see him backing bread,



Keen on wearing those mittens



He announced that from now on, he wants to help in the kitchen every day. It slows down my cooking, but oh boy, how I love to give him instructions and enjoy his company.
This morning he said: “Do you know why I want to make the croissants? Because I like to roll them”. So I suggested using clay (we can only eat that much, can we). Also something we didn’t do in a long, long time, because Pelle only wanted to eat it, last year (asking me to make him an icecream). I’m looking forward to do it more often.



In the meantime he has mastered a skill from a whole different kind. He can see the time on a clock. It doesn’t even have to have numbers on it. Now is this the boy with an IQ of 65, as they said last year? I really don’t believe those values anymore.

Like a flower

I followed a Dutch course, this weekend. Based upon the principles of Son-Rise, but with a Dutch twist to it. And as it goes in courses, you have to introduce yourself to the group. What to say? And then it came all naturally to me, and with great intensity. Pelle has opened up my world. Literally and spiritually. I feel it so strong and with great passion.
Everything I once thought would be ‘normal’, lost it’s meaning. Everything is possible. I really don’t mind if he is developing in another way. Because there are so many possibilities. He freed me of the thought that the only meaningful way of living is going to school, going to college, marry and raise a family. The world is bigger than that. And being alive is more. It’s about having your own place in the world. He taught me that setting boundaries is not useful at all. And I felt so free, truly free upon realizing that. And so grateful.
Now I can look at him without fear of the future, without wanting him to be different. Finally I can meet him soul to soul. And feel enlightened and full of love.
And now as I’m letting go of all my expectations he is changing in a pace I can not believe. He is starting to make little jokes. Such a pure, innocent humor. My mother asked him “Do you need to be washed? “. He said “yes, put me in the washingmachine, gran”. He is telling more about how he feels. “No I don’t want to sleep under the bed, because that’s a bit scary”. Is this the boy who didn’t even say “I” only a year ago? It’s so hard to believe. He still is hyperactive sometimes, but has calmed down in other ways. Like when we are in the woods, he holds my hands almost all the time. He never did that, because he was always running, when we where there. And I so love the touch of his small hands. But you know what? I’m even missing seeing him run so much. Oh boy, I so loved to see him run on his little legs. He was so fast. A classmate of him said to me once "Pelle's always in a hurry". Not anymore.

Last week he said he wanted to glue. You have never seen a mum run and grab the stuff faster than I did. I joined him and we had such good, relaxing times. Another dream comes true.

He learns to do pretend play. And so much more. He is blossoming, really blossoming. Like his mom.

Playing with Pelle

(These photo’s are made by Pelle. I’m always so surprised to see his pictures appear because he often takes them without me noticing him. It’s so nice and interesting to see his perspective).



I had some trouble getting started to play with Pelle in his room. Looking back on it, I realized I was putting way to much pressure on the whole process. I stressed myself to much, because wasn’t this THE ONLY REAL OPTION for Pelle to lose his autistic tendencies? Wasn’t I supposed to come up with all these plays, ideas, energy, enthusiasm, fun, amusement, expressiveness and so on, and so on?
And then in a dream I was advised by Bears, one of the founders of the son-rise program, to step back. I was agitated about that. Who? Me? The quiet, sub-assertive person who usually plays her role in the background? But it must have been important. Because the message stuck with me. So I dropped my load. In the playroom, Pelle has the lead, and I follow. And it makes me feel so relaxed! Because in stead of making up things, and thinking very hard, and having the feeling I need to do all kinds of things I’d rather not, I just go with his flow. And now playing with him is easy. My imagination just wells up. Like my energy and joy. We are having such good times!
And one of the other things I realized is that I still can be me. I can act true to my feelings. Sometimes I’m annoyed or grumpy. I can express my irritation when I’m busy in the house, or tired, and he keeps repeating the same questions over and over again. I still accept him the way he is, in my heart. I know he feels that.

So where are we now? Miles away from the depression I had last fall, after they told us that Pelle had a low IQ (65) and was probably best of in special daycare. I don’t believe autism = lifelong disability = being locked in a ridged world anymore. I am convinced now that Pelle will outgrow all his autistic traits. Really convinced. And he might even manage on his own. But I’d really love to help him and grow with him, too.

So here are the plans: playing with him in his bedroom every day, after school, as long as we like it. My goal for now: elaborating his playskills. He can play with some toys, like trains and cars, and the marble run. And he is starting to use his imagination, pretending to be a lion, or a tower. So I’m building on that. For this month, I’m planning to introduce cards and a dice and some role-play. This afternoon, I will show him some simple cards we can lay out on the floor and see how he will react. I will keep you posted.

A change in perspective

The core of the son-rise philosophy is to embrace and love your child. Unconditionally. And it immediately spoke to me because I loved this vision. No labels. No judgments. It gives you such freedom. And I have to make clear that I’m no expert. I don’t know all the ins and outs of the method. Because I haven’t followed any courses, yet. In September, I will, but I just don’t want to wait playing and applying the principles.
So how can I embrace Pelle being hyperactive? I really liked what Jen suggested in her comment. Using the high-energy into a game of running.
Thinking it through, and writing about it with Maria, who’s becoming my sparing-partner in the son-rise process, I switched glasses. Because for Pelle, it’s a pure form of enjoying life. It’s all about excitement. And that’s a part in me that I don’t show very often. As a child, I was always rewarded for being calm. For not asking to much attention. For being quiet, especially if grown-ups were in the room. And of course, as an adult, you’re supposed to behave in a mature way. But I can feel excitement, and joy, and I can sing and mostly, when I’m really happy, I want to move. Be on the bike and sing. Pedaling as hard as I can. Letting this happiness flow through my body and express it. Dance.
And if I look through my happiness glasses, I see a boy who’s just doing that. Expressing it all. And from now on, I’m joining him. So we can share all those vibrations.

One step at the time

The game didn’t work out. It is to hard for Pelle to do something that requires rules, although they are quite simple. So if I want him to imitate, I a) either have to find another way or b) can use the cards, but in a more free-flowing form.
For now, it is even hard for him to be in the room. Maybe because it’s all so new for him, maybe because he feels I want him to do more than he is comfortable with. Because my ideal is for him to be concentrating on toys. But yesterday for instance, he was far to hyperactive to do that. So we went outside, and he had a meltdown there. Wanting to go home, and I wanting to stay a little longer at the small field, playing with a kite. (I really enjoyed that myself).
He doesn’t have tantrums that often, and I can handle his cries and yells and tears, and console him, but apparently, it was just to much for him.
So there are some lessons learned.
I should not aim to high. Just adjust to what he’s capable doing at the moment.
And playing with toys is not important at all. Having fun is important.
So now the challenge is to go on being in his playroom, even though I notice Pelle rather won’t. (He says he’s afraid of the sirens (horns of policecars) inthere, but we managed to chase them away with a magic wand). I think he feels I want him to “perform” in a way he’s not able to do.
And another challenge for me is to accept him being hyperactive, because I really don’t like it if he acts that way. And maybe examine if it has anything to do with him eating something sweet.

Scenes from the playroom

The playroom is Pelle's bedroom. Not that big, but sufficient.
Yesterday, we played with his mozaiek. Don't you love the pattern he laid out?
My ultimate goal is for Pelle to play with other children. He has never done that. Recently, he wants to go to his classmates, but when he's at their home, he plays with their toys, not with the children themselves. I know he has the potential to do it, and it might even evolve naturally, but I don’t want to wait for it. I’d rather help him, step by step.
The first step, and my goal for this month, is to let him get used to playing in his room. He asked about it this morning. “Why do we do this?” “Are we going to play in the livingroom, aswell?”. I answered that I loved playing with him. Maybe later on, I explain a bit more. For now he seemed satisfied with my answer. Since he was quickly bored this morning, and I don’t want to push him to stay in the room, we went downstairs. Granny came to eat the cake we baked yesterday and we also prepared the swimmingpool.



Until now, we played with his regular toys (marble slide, cars, buildingblocks), but tomorrow I want to try a game. As he loves me to imitate a lion (especially the roaring), I made some cards. He can pick one (yellow side up) and I will do my best to make an impression, so he can guess which animal it is. He can choose another card and I will make another performance as his likes it, on the condition that he does the imitation as well.



As I was making the cards and writing down some other ideas (like playing hide-and-seek), a familiar feeling came over me. It was like preparing my lessons and courses. Once you have your goal, you choose your means. And I always liked to have a few options prepared. So I have the freedom to choose the one that’s most appropriate, in the heat of the moment.
I’m wondering how Pelle will react, tomorrow.

Learning to play

Today was a special day, because it was the first time I intentionally played with Pelle using the Son-rise principle. I’ve been reading about it a couple of weeks now and think it’s a great way to help Pelle in his development. Entice him to become more agile, mentally. I know he can do that, but he can’t do the gymnastics on his own. We both need to train, in a gym called the playroom. And as it is the beginning of his holidays, and he has no school during 6 weeks, I thought it would be a great way to fill in all the blank spaces of time. But where to begin? And there was another problem. Just as Pelle has his specific behavioral patterns, so has his mom. Because I like to think, and read, and think, and read. But as it comes to action, I’m sometimes stuck, too. Like Pelle, but on a different level. So I called in for help. Today I had my own supporters, who coached me and filmed the both of us. And I really think this is the way to go for me, because it is so close to the way I’ve always been raising Pelle and connecting with him. It’s quite easy for me. But I have to go one step further. I have to show him the child that’s hidden in his mom. The little girl that’s awaiting to play with him, with joy and laughter. Who loves to be funny and cheerful. It’s time to put her on the stage. And I know she will love it. I’ve neglected her far to long. So go, little girl, go. Show your sparks to Pelle. Don’t be afraid. I know he will love them.

Throwing away the curtain

You know how I’ve struggled with my special boy and him being different. When he was diagnosed as being autistic it felt like an incurable illness we just had to life with. I felt that the only option for me was to accept it and let go off my dreams. And although I tried to see things in a greater perspective, my feelings couldn’t. I felt lost. Deprived of a future where my boy could thrive and blossom. Where people would recognize his beautiful soul. And I also questioned the diagnose. Is Pelle really autistic? Is he on the spectrum somewhere? Sure he is not behaving like most of the children his age. But as I tried to pinpoint al those signs that are supposed to be typical indicators, I felt them slipping away. I tried so hard to search for ‘evidence’, that I lost my view on Pelle as the boy he is. So his diagnose really stood in the way. In the way of accepting him with all my heart, in the way of being unbiased and really open to everything he brings.


So that’s what a stigma does, even to a mother. It’s like a curtain. I was very busy trying to determine what the curtain looked like. I lost Pelle behind it.

But I am a lucky woman. Because of this blog, Maria contacted me. And told me about the Son-Rise program. Ironically, I have read this book about and autistic boy and the way his family embraced him and worked out a way to heal him many years ago, when I was a student. I have a very vivid memory of it. But I never made the connection with Raun, the boy in the book, and Pelle. Maria had to make it for me. Their message? Enter your child's world, and when he's ready, go play and show him the way out. You can help your child. Through real acceptance. By following and than leading.
And that’s another irony. Because in my profession, that’s also the key, if you want people to learn. First stand beside them and then show them alternative behavior. And always start with their own motivation, not with yours.

So I’ve thrown away the curtain. Because that was not helpful at all. Nor for me. And now I can see my kid again. And feel this joy arising in playing with Pelle and helping him coming into our world. And I really feel he’s growing so much, lately. Little by little, he is starting to interact with other kids. Holding hands with a girl on the playfield. Wanting to share his interest with gran, his biggest fan. Concentrating more and fantasizing more.
Maybe his brain is different from most kids. I now think that could be an advantage.
I heart what another father of an autistic boy, Rupert Isaacson, said. He and his wife also made an amazing journey to seek aid for their boy, Rowan. He wrote (in a more nuanced way that my summarization) that doesn’t even want to Rupert to be cured, as long as he has the ability to connect with our world.
And that’s my wish for Pelle, too. Being able to be himself, and have the social skills to interact with others. Because there’s so much love out there, for him. And I want to show him the way. Thanks to all the great instructions on the website of Sonrise, I now feel I have the tools in hand.