I'm wishing on a star

I've been making a T-shirt again, using the basic Ottobre pattern and making some alterations inspired by some of the latest T's I saw in the mag. The stars are made of a rose-red cotton and I used the same colour for the honeycomb stitches. This is not a colour I would normaly use, but I think it turned out just fine. I would have loved to make the neckbinding in the same colour as the star, but couldn't find the right fabric for it. So I ended up using another striped jersey.
As the days are rapidly getting colder now, I hope Pelle can wear it often (it's a bit tight, so he can only wear it this season, have to size up for the next batch).

Like a flower

I followed a Dutch course, this weekend. Based upon the principles of Son-Rise, but with a Dutch twist to it. And as it goes in courses, you have to introduce yourself to the group. What to say? And then it came all naturally to me, and with great intensity. Pelle has opened up my world. Literally and spiritually. I feel it so strong and with great passion.
Everything I once thought would be ‘normal’, lost it’s meaning. Everything is possible. I really don’t mind if he is developing in another way. Because there are so many possibilities. He freed me of the thought that the only meaningful way of living is going to school, going to college, marry and raise a family. The world is bigger than that. And being alive is more. It’s about having your own place in the world. He taught me that setting boundaries is not useful at all. And I felt so free, truly free upon realizing that. And so grateful.
Now I can look at him without fear of the future, without wanting him to be different. Finally I can meet him soul to soul. And feel enlightened and full of love.
And now as I’m letting go of all my expectations he is changing in a pace I can not believe. He is starting to make little jokes. Such a pure, innocent humor. My mother asked him “Do you need to be washed? “. He said “yes, put me in the washingmachine, gran”. He is telling more about how he feels. “No I don’t want to sleep under the bed, because that’s a bit scary”. Is this the boy who didn’t even say “I” only a year ago? It’s so hard to believe. He still is hyperactive sometimes, but has calmed down in other ways. Like when we are in the woods, he holds my hands almost all the time. He never did that, because he was always running, when we where there. And I so love the touch of his small hands. But you know what? I’m even missing seeing him run so much. Oh boy, I so loved to see him run on his little legs. He was so fast. A classmate of him said to me once "Pelle's always in a hurry". Not anymore.

Last week he said he wanted to glue. You have never seen a mum run and grab the stuff faster than I did. I joined him and we had such good, relaxing times. Another dream comes true.

He learns to do pretend play. And so much more. He is blossoming, really blossoming. Like his mom.

Another sweater

Since fall is approaching I made another sweater for Pelle. I bought the stripy knit some time ago, and it’s light and loose, like knitted on 2 needles. I was afraid it would be hard to sew when cut, but I had no problems at all. I sewed the seams with a faint zigzag stitch and my serger and the honeycombstitch to finish it off. Since I was afraid a whole sweater of the same fabric would be to girly, I made the body of regular sweater knit, combining two colours. I added a hood later on, because I wanted more stripes. As the hood became very wavy when I finished the hem I unpicked it and added a T-shirt knit as a lining. Now the shape is good. I'm very pleased with the result.

As Pelle sees it

Photos taken by my boy.

Once upon a time

This is a little story about a sweater.
Part of me once lived in Denmark, being blue and stripy and knit.


Then one day a Dutch lady came into my store and bought me. She was very pleased with me, because our family is very, very small (I myself only know of two cousins who are of the stripy sweater family) and it appeared that this woman loves our breed very much.
At her home in Holland, I met two other fabrics.



Although they were blue, like me, I had a bit of a hard time getting used to them because they are real softies (you know … the whiny types).
And once we were paired it appeared that one of them died. How terrible!
Here you can see the dead hood.



So my lady buried the hood and attached a firm ribbon. That really felt much better.
I integrated my soft part, becoming more whole as a person.
Still, I felt that there was a small part of me missing. Was it a monster?
She tried it on, and loved the droopy eyes, but not the look of the thing.



So she chased it away, draw some sketches of other monsters,



but nothing worked.
And than I was laid down to rest, while my lady thought about me and waited for inspiration.
This afternoon, she finally fetched me up. A little owl flew into me and a piece of red cotton spiced me up.



Now I can serve that lovely little boy I’ve seen him running around the house. He will make me come truly alive.

And it feels like the summer is over

The summer is almost over. We had some sunny days, but the air feels different. So fall is approaching.

I already started to sew a sweater for Pelle, but before I show you that one I want to close the season by showing you a blouse I made. It's a pattern from Farbenmix and I liked it very well. Because you use a full lining for the upper part, the blouse is easy to sew. I did the stripes (a cotton / linen mix) do the work, and did not add any appliqués or other embellishments. That's very uncharacteristic of the Farbenmix clothes people sew, but I like it that way.





I did not finish the hem and sleeves, yet. Will do that this spring, when Pelle gets to wear it and I can adjust the size to his length.

I leave you with some pictures I made Tuesday, when we were in the woods. I so love this change in the atmosphere. Still much sun, but the light is so much softer, and the world is losing it's sharpness.

Playing with Pelle

(These photo’s are made by Pelle. I’m always so surprised to see his pictures appear because he often takes them without me noticing him. It’s so nice and interesting to see his perspective).



I had some trouble getting started to play with Pelle in his room. Looking back on it, I realized I was putting way to much pressure on the whole process. I stressed myself to much, because wasn’t this THE ONLY REAL OPTION for Pelle to lose his autistic tendencies? Wasn’t I supposed to come up with all these plays, ideas, energy, enthusiasm, fun, amusement, expressiveness and so on, and so on?
And then in a dream I was advised by Bears, one of the founders of the son-rise program, to step back. I was agitated about that. Who? Me? The quiet, sub-assertive person who usually plays her role in the background? But it must have been important. Because the message stuck with me. So I dropped my load. In the playroom, Pelle has the lead, and I follow. And it makes me feel so relaxed! Because in stead of making up things, and thinking very hard, and having the feeling I need to do all kinds of things I’d rather not, I just go with his flow. And now playing with him is easy. My imagination just wells up. Like my energy and joy. We are having such good times!
And one of the other things I realized is that I still can be me. I can act true to my feelings. Sometimes I’m annoyed or grumpy. I can express my irritation when I’m busy in the house, or tired, and he keeps repeating the same questions over and over again. I still accept him the way he is, in my heart. I know he feels that.

So where are we now? Miles away from the depression I had last fall, after they told us that Pelle had a low IQ (65) and was probably best of in special daycare. I don’t believe autism = lifelong disability = being locked in a ridged world anymore. I am convinced now that Pelle will outgrow all his autistic traits. Really convinced. And he might even manage on his own. But I’d really love to help him and grow with him, too.

So here are the plans: playing with him in his bedroom every day, after school, as long as we like it. My goal for now: elaborating his playskills. He can play with some toys, like trains and cars, and the marble run. And he is starting to use his imagination, pretending to be a lion, or a tower. So I’m building on that. For this month, I’m planning to introduce cards and a dice and some role-play. This afternoon, I will show him some simple cards we can lay out on the floor and see how he will react. I will keep you posted.

Dancing in the streets

We had a big festival in our village, yesterday. I danced with Pelle and I felt so happy!

Changing

There are all these small changes. Waving to Dad, when he sees him coming home. Answering questions like “What did you do at school today?” Saying things like “I’m sad because you go on a holiday, gran”. Talking to her on the phone, and not just telling her what he wants to tell, but reacting to the things she says. Like:
- "I can hear your clock, gran, why?”
- “It because you have such good ears, sweety”
- “But what if the lion eats my ears?”
It’s things like starting to smile while anwsering a question about our holiday:
“Did you sleep in the tent, Pelle?”
“Noooo, I slept in eh, eh …… a closet!”.
It’s things like holding my hand for a long, long time yesterday, when we walked in the woods.
It was this look in his eyes when I made a joke, the other week. That look that said: “mum, I understand you and it’s funny”.
My boy is connecting. And it feels SO GOOD.