donderdag 17 september 2009
I have not been so active with this blog lately because I didn’t sew that much (my serger is out of order, tomorrow I’ll pick it up from the repairmen) but more importantly, I had something else on my mind.
Some of you might know that I have had my worries about Pelle’s development. I wrote about it before. I can disappear into a black cloud once in a while, when I see him acting so differently than other kids his age. And when the teacher of the toddlers playgroup noticed him not at all playing with other children, I worried more. So we had some talks with an extra-care organization and this summer Pelle did some tests. Which he didn’t do well at all. They concluded that he has a developmental backlash and is retarded. Frankly, I find that a rather bold conclusion for a test that took only 40 minutes. But nevertheless, I have to face the possibility that they are right. That this boy of mine will not be like other children. That he has trouble learning new things and skills. That he will never go to college or a normal school.
That’s not something I can easily accept.
Because I have my dreams for him, which are basically him wanting to have the same live as I have. Going to college, having a job out in the world, finding a spouse, having kids, earning a living. That’s my view of having a good life. Of being happy. And it may turn out differently for Pelle. What’s in store for him? I don’t know and I think this scares me. And then the cloud is there, and I feel depressed.
But there are other thoughts as well. And other responses. Like really feeling and seeing my emotions. Mark and I are meditating almost every evening and are more and more drawn to a Buddhist view of the world. So I have my practice of really entering my emotions, so to say. And it’s a bit like my fear for driving. When I really look at it, I come to the conclusion that I can handle it. That it doesn’t mean my world is ending. Because my world is bigger than the images I have of a future for Pelle. There’s an open space which I can enter with him. My happiness should not be dependent on a narrow path I sketched in the future. I don’t have to be that narrow-minded. I don’t feel that enclosed. Now that I am confronted with my fears I feel the world is opening up for me, for us. Opening up like it has never done before.
Of course that doesn’t mean that my worries are gone. Or that the clouds are all blown away. But there’s a new perspective. I’m on a hill with Pelle, holding his hand. And there’s a beautiful valley below us, waiting to be explored. Mark is already a bit downhill. So here we go, the tree of us, entering a new world. Descending step by step. With a warm heart and faith in our minds.
I so love you, kiddo!