zondag 26 juli 2009
Being a mother
No, I was not on holiday. Our computer took one. But now he likes to work again, and I first intended to do a lot of catching up. Telling you what happened in the mean time. But some things will return here, in one way or another and I just focus on our birthdays. Pelle turned 4, on Tuesday and I myself became 45 on Monday. Yes, I just turned 41 when I gave birth.
I would have loved to be younger, not for the sake of being a younger mother, but for the sake of enjoying motherhood earlier in life.
But nature went its own course and after 3 miscarriages Mark and I gave up on our longing of being parents. I made a decision at 40, consciously gave up on my desire. Because I just didn’t want to grief anymore over a life I would never have. Because I honestly felt that Mark and I would continue to be happy and live a full life without a child. Because I wanted to live in the here and now, with all that presented itself.
Of course that’s something that grows in you. Zen practice helped me a lot. The philosophy that you have to let go in stead of hang on to. If you let go, life really opens up to you. So that’s what I did. I let go. And than things took an unexpected turn. There was this little soul that tried to nestle in and ... it stayed. And at the end I’m so thankful that Pelle came. Because of course I just didn’t know what I was giving up on. The immense joy and happiness, the love I feel and never knew I had in me. Having a role in life that I like so much and is sometimes challenging but never to hard. Seeing my partner and soul mate, being the most loving and caring dad I knew he would be. Fulfilling our potential in such a great way. So there’s reason to celebrate. And that we did last Sunday. With friends and family. And it was a great day. I am blessed.
See you in a week. We’re going to camp in a huge tent.